


In This Place We Are Holy

by itsapurefeeling



Category: bonkai - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bonkai, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Kai is a asshole, Sad and Happy, bonnieandkai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 06:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21070385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsapurefeeling/pseuds/itsapurefeeling
Summary: "Is it true?""What do you think?" he questions back"I'm asking you"With a small grin he looks at her "I loved my parents, but I also thought they deserved to die"





	In This Place We Are Holy

**Author's Note:**

> um.. I don't even know where to begin. I hope you enjoy x !

She has always been wary of him.

Not scared but intrigued anytime he came to close, anytime she could smell his aftershave.

Basically anytime he was in arms reach of her.

It was something about his eyes, the way he carried himself as if nothing could hurt him. Maybe nothing could, maybe he was indestructible, made of solid steel.

At least that's what Bonnie likes to think.

Because how can someone so handsome be so cruel? How could the one man that never even glances her way be so disturbingly captivating to look at.

She knows she shouldn't be so hungry for his attention, his reputation is worse than she thought, worse than what she likes to believe.

But that's what makes him so attractive?

Yeah definitely.

Like now, with his back towards her she can't help but stare at his muscled arms and tan skin. His grey t shirt hugging his body oh so well.

"Take a picture it will last longer" Elena groans.

"He's nice to look"

"Yeah and so are dogs, Malachai Parker is more of a shark if you ask me".

Bonnie snorts, sending her friend a eye roll before staring at him once more.

"It's just annoying how attractive he is. Like the one hot guy in this town is the introverted weirdo that no one talks too"

"For reasons. You know the rumors about him just as well as I do. Stay clear, looking is all you need to do"

With a small laugh Bonnie frowns "that's all I'll ever get to do"

***

It shouldn't be a surprise when she sees him at their local grocery store, his black ripped jeans and an old looking college hoodie making her mouth drool.

He's in the frozen section when she spots him, his tattooed covered hand pulling out frozen pizza before moving down the aisle.

Her eyes can't help but follow as he disappears from view, disappointment settling deep in her stomach.

With a long sigh she heads towards the drinks. Elena's party weighing heavy on her mind as she struggles to grab the sprite on the top shelf.

With a bounce she secures it, placing it into the cart before moving down to the coke to do the same.

On her tip toes her fingers skim it, not quite long enough to grasp the offending drink. Leaning into the shelf she pushes harder, only to realize that it's still out of arms reach.

Before she can set herself fully back down the same tattooed hand that once held pizza is now beside her head, pulling down the bottle with ease.

With a soft sigh she turns around to see Malachai standing beside her, his eyes boring into hers as they meet.

"Thank you" she manages, taking the bottle from him with a small smile.

"Don't worry about it" he says, his voice deep and controlled sending heat through her veins.

Setting down said bottle she turns to leave but his voice stops her.

"Anything else you need?"

Looking at him she wonders if this is real life. Not once in the four years she's seen him around has he even looked her direction, not even a hello from the man.

This ... well is unexpected.

"Um I think i'm good" Bonnie says, running her fingers through her short hair.

With a nod he sends a smile her way "I know you from somewhere"

"Probably high school"

He grins "Your friends with Elena Gilbert right? Jeremy's older sister"

Bonnie nods

"Thought so. I've seen you around, Bonnie right? you still go there?"

"Senior this year actually" she says proudly, because thank fucking god.

"Ah those were the good days"

"What about you?" She can't help but question, her curiosity only sky rocketing.

"Just finished college actually".

"Congratulations"

"Thanks" he says coolly, his grey orbs now trailing over her body with interest. Those fucking dimples on full display as he stands towering over her.

After a long pause she nods "well thank you for the help. Next time I should wear high heels" Bonnie jokes, earning a small laugh from the man.

"I think you're just fine the way you are" he says surprising her, heat rising to her face.

And whoa.

Her mind short circuits for just a split second, a 'have you looked in the mirror' on the tip of her tongue.

"Well it was nice to meet you" she says instead, grinning when his eyes roam over legs trailing to the pretty blush now permanently on her face.

"Pleasure is all mine" he responds eyeing the drinks in her cart. "Big night?"

She grins at this.

"Party tonight, at Elena's actually"

A look of ah crosses his face "so your going to that as well"

Shocked Bonnie nods her head "your going?"

He nods back, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth.

"I wasn't but I guess it wouldn't hurt"

"Should be fun" she says back lamely.

"With you there definitely" 

***

Bonnie doesn't like gossip.

Okay scratch that she does.

Usually.

But when Caroline tells her about Malachai Parker, gossip is the furthest thing she wants to hear.

It's the same old shit. Same story retold changing with every person it comes around too.

It really pisses her off more than she would like to admit.

Maybe a long time ago when she more naïve to the world, when the only two things that mattered were popularity and people liking her she could jump on board with the taunting and the overall bullying that comes with her friends.

But this is just pissing her off.

"And he lives alone.. like since he was seventeen. What kind of mother or father could leave their own child alone like that?" Caroline says, raising her perfectly groomed eyebrows.

Elena snorts, "With a kid like that who knows"

"Yeah well his sister is the total opposite, I'm not even surprised she left this place after he set their old house on fire-"

"And how do you know that?" Bonnie questions, interrupting the blonde. "How can you say that without any proof of it ever happening".

Caroline looks shocked, her mouth open as she stares at Bonnie.

"It was on the news Bonnie"

"Yes it was, we all saw it. Just like we all saw them say it was accidental, so why spread around shit that isn't even true"

Elena frowns "Look guys let's not do this right now okay? People will be arriving in a hour and we still have shit to do".

Caroline sends her one more glance before walking into the kitchen, her sandals hitting marble floor breaking the awkward growing silence. Once she's out of view Elena places her hand on Bonnie's own, "No one knows the full story, not even you Bon. So for the rest of the evening lets just leave the Malachai bullshit at the door alright?"

Annoyance bubbles underneath her skin at Elena's words, but she nods in agreement.

"Good?" the taller girl questions.

"Good"

***

The party turns out to be a huge success, the whole town seems to be cram packed into Elena's house as midnight rolls around. To Bonnie's disappointment she hasn't spotted Malachai yet, Jeremy the only person he seems to talk to arrived over two hours ago.

The porch is empty as she sneaks outside, the cool autumn air welcoming on her over heated skin . Sitting on Elena's bench swing she holds a lukewarm beer in her hand, the same beer she's been nursing since nine.

She loves her friends more than anything, but the peacefulness the night brings just can't compare. Her grams loved the outdoors and somehow even though she has been gone a little over two years Bonnie can still feel her in the night air. Hovering and watching over her.

Just the thought puts a smile on her face.

After ten minuets or so, with no sign of the cute boy that has been plaguing her thoughts Bonnie sighs ready to go back into the over crowded house when a loud thump catches her attention.

Snapping her head she see's him climbing up the steps, his once black jeans now faded blue ones that hug his thighs so nicely, the sweatshirt she thought was hot is now traded for a black t shirt, skin tight molding him perfectly.

Looking down at her shorts and t shirt she blushes.

What a fucking night to look like a hobo.

"Hey" his voice calls, deep and warm sending goosebumps down her arms as he comes closer into view. His eyes are warm when he looks at her, promptly sitting down right beside her. His musky scent sending her nerves into over drive.

"Hey" she says back shyly.

"I would ask you how the parties going, but it seems you've been out here for awhile" he comments grinning.

"I like the quiet" she admits, "Don't get me wrong I like parties but I'd choose this over partying any day".

He nudges her with his elbow "Me and you aren't so different Bonster".

That catches her attention. "Bonster?" she questions, letting the nickname roll off her tongue.

"Were friends right, I think so at least. So since were friends I call you Bonster and you can call me Kai how does that sound?" he grins cheekily.

"Friends" she repeats.

"Exactly".

"You could go in you know" she says feeling a little guilty, the loud music blaring behind them.

He scoots closer "Why would I want to do that Bon, with you out here I think i'm just fine".

"You came to party"she points out.

"A party for two doesn't sound so bad. Now tell me about yourself"

She couldn't say how long they sat out there, but she can can say how warm his hands were. How every time he touched her chilled thighs, goosebumps would arise like wildfire. How his scent sent made her mind turn to mush.

How at the end of the day he was a boy, who was lonely and curious of what future might bring.

Terrified of what might happen if he let his guard slip for just a second.

'Yeah' Bonnie thinks silently laying in her bed hours later, 'They were wrong about him'.

***

Becoming friends with the towns loner has its perks. Anywhere they go, no one messes with them and almost everyone doesn't spare the pair a glance as they pass.

Bonnie realizes that Kai is actually very funny, his sense of humor and charm has her almost peeing herself on the daily.

He's always a gentleman, opening doors for her at the mall or holding onto her purse when it becomes heavy to carry.

She didn't realize how charming the older boy was, how easy it is falling into routine with him. They meet up almost everyday, his own apartment ten minuets down the road from Bonnie's house.

The nights when they don't meet she hangs out with Elena and Caroline who kinda know about her new friendship but not really. After the party incident Caroline is pretty much quiet on the Malachai front, not even muttering his name when Jeremy brings him up.

Elena sends her little glances when she blushes at just his name, the taller girl eyeing her so hard Bonnie can feel her questions from across the room.

With a small head nod Elena lets it drop, turning her attention back to her little brother.

"Everyone at school want another party here,that's all they've been talking about all week. It was pretty hardcore" Jeremy grins into his drink, raising his eyebrows at Elena.

Elena scoffs loudly "Yeah well they didn't have to pick up all the fucking trash did they. No way, not at least for awhile".

Jeremy frowns "Yeah that was pretty shitty. Kai told me he was coming I know for sure he would of helped out."

"Sure he would" Caroline says bitterly, speaking up for the first time the whole evening, rolling her eyes at Jeremy.

"Yeah cause you know him so well right" he responds just as bitter, a small glint in his brown eyes. Before she can open her mouth he stops her "For once in your life Caroline take your huge head out of your ass. Look around and realize that no one here cares about your opinion, and this might shock you but no one fucking asked either".

The room turns silent.

Elena who went a little pale is now open mouthed staring at Jeremy who looks like he doesn't have a care in the world.

Caroline turns beet red, eyes watering profusely . With a small whimper she's up and out of her chair within seconds, rushing outside the house with Elena hot on her heels.

"You stay right there" Elena yells, sending Jeremy a glare over her shoulder.

The door slamming shut as the two disappear from sight.

Sliding over a chair Bonnie knocks elbows with the younger boy, catching his attention.

"That was kinda rude" Bonnie says, folding her arms together.

"Yeah well she had it coming, act like trash you'll get treated like trash".

"I agree with you. I don't know Kai like you do, but he seems like a down to earth guy. You know Caroline is just stuck in her ways".

"Yeah well, Kai's a cool dude and I won't hesitate to defend him when she starts sprouting her bullshit. If he would of showed he would of helped Bon, I know that".

"He did come to the party by the way, he found me outside and we started talking, I asked him if he wanted too go inside but he didn't want too."

Jeremy looks surprised at this "He came up to you?"

Nodding Bonnie frowns "Yeah.. is that a problem?"

"No of course not Bon. It's just rare to see him do that you know? He's so use to everyone talking shit about him he never approaches anyone first, let alone girls".

"Jer if I asked you something would you be honest with me?"

Without hesitance he nods "Of course"

"How much of the rumors are true? I mean I don't listen to them that much but it just makes me curious you know? Like I've seen him around for four years and never once thought about his past or what people say. Knowing him now it's hard to imagine him being anything like that".

Meeting his eyes she's thrown off by how hard they look, his brown eyes vacant as he looks at her with a small frown on his face. "Let's just say he does what he has to do to survive. Give or take Bonnie, most of it is true, most of it is false".

"Like?" She questions quietly.

Shaking his head he stands to his full height "Not my place to say Bon. But just know he is a cool dude, when your on his good side".

"Good side?"

He nods at her "There's nothing to worry about. I hear you guys are cool now, plus I know for a fact he wouldn't do anything mean too you ."

"How can you know that?"

Finally his smile finds its way back on his face "You said you've seen him around for the past four years. Don't think that was a one way street. He saw you as well, but contrary to poplar belief he is pretty shy. Especially in front of girls".

She can only stare at him in disbelief, the one and only Malachai Parker actually noticed her? and how the hell did Jeremy know that?

"How do you know that Jer?"

He sighs loudly, scratching the back of his neck, a nervous tick of his she's come to realize over the years.

"I've known him since in was thirteen, he use to hang out with Tyler and that group of people back in the day. I remember going over to Tyler's one afternoon, I thought I was the shit you know? A young kid hanging with seniors, which I realize now was very fucking naive of me. Kai was different though, he didn't say much or even smoke pot with me around and after awhile when he warmed up too me we became close. Almost as if he was a big brother for me to rely on."

"I can't believe you use to hang with those people" Bonnie says interrupting him, holding back a laugh when Jeremy sends her a unimpressed glance.

" Anyway, years passed and he told me things he's never told anyone. He showed me things he's never showed anyone before, it was then that I realized how much he really just needed a friend. Someone who he could trust you know?"

Bonnie nods.

"It was you're sophomore year when he first asked about you. Said you were the prettiest girl in this town actually, he just had to wait til you were eighteen".

Bonnie snorts at that, "You make it sound like he's a forty year old pedophile".

" You know what I mean. Point is, he's been a rock for me. He's been there when no one else has, he's a good dude with his own battles Bonnie. And I think it's fair that you know he's been curious about you as well."

"It's just weird" she says softly, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear.

"Talk to him, he's warmed up too you way faster than he did with me".

"I'll talk to him" she says uneasily.

Now that Jeremy confirmed that it's not just her ogling him, that its very much in fact reciprocated the curiosity is burning brighter than ever.

As if sensing her thoughts Jeremy pats her on the head "You won't regret it".

Jeremy ends up giving Bonnie his number before she leaves,her phone which is now tucked into her back pocket feels fifty times heavier with his name in it.

Maybe it's naive and childish of her to be this taken by a guy she's known for such a short amount of time. But the way they fit together when he's around leaves no doubt her in her mind that they're at least meant to be friends.

Not everyone can feel the connection they share.

She wonders what grams would say if she could see her now. A senior in high school freshly turned eighteen talking to a older boy with a haunting past. She wonders if gram would even bat a eyelash at her behavior, the months they shared together before her tragic passing were only good ones.

She thinks Shelia might of even liked Kai.

The thought has her chest feeling heavy.

Thumbing her phone she groans into her pillow, the urge to text the older man getting worse with each passing minuet.

It's the insecurity that gnaws at her, because even if Kai noticed her and wants to be friends texting him seems a little much.

A little pushy.

Unlocking her phone the time reads 'two thirty five', four hours ago maybe she would of been braver. Jeremy would of pushed her to make the first move, encouraged her to reach out, but in the two am light with just her thoughts she can't help but feel weak.

'Tomorrow' she thinks before letting sleep consume her.

***

Bonnie get's lucky the next day. Instead of worrying her head off about texting him she see's him in person instead. The taller boy sits on Elena's couch with Jeremy next to him, the pair playing on Jeremy's new PS4. Elena gapes at the two for a brief second, her eyes comically wide before she composes herself letting out a quick 'hi' before bolting it up the stairs to her bedroom.

Kai greets Bonnie with a smile and a "Hey Bonster", his dimples making her knees weak as she passes the duo.

"Bon" Jeremy greets, patting the space between the pair, a twinkle in his eye as he looks over at her. "Join us".

She begins to shake her head but Kai stops her "Come here", shifting over some he pulls her by the wrist, letting her drop down beside him, "You can watch me whoop his ass some more".

Her cheeks feel uncomfortably hot as she sits pressed up beside him, his cologne clogging her nose making it hard to breathe. She can't decide if she want's to press closer to him or run away. 

His hand decides for her, resting on her thigh with enough pressure to keep her in place. Enough warmth to make her want more.

After a few minuets of comfortable silence Jeremy drops the controller beside Bonnie, stretching his arms out above his head before standing up. "I'm out, my ass is killing me. Tip don't sit longer than four hours or you'll regret it".

Kai chuckles deeply, glancing over at Jeremy with a grin on his face "Don't make up excuses now"

"Oh Parker you know me better than that".

Kai grins at the younger boy, "that I do".

Jeremy pats Bonnie on her shoulder "I'll be upstairs, yell if you need anything".

"Jer-"

But he's already jogging up the stairs, turning a corner before he's completely out of sight.

"Then there was two" Kai says cheekily, leaning into the couch cushion. "Wanna take a walk?" he questions, as if sensing her discomfort.

She looks over at him gratefully "A walk sounds nice"

Without any hesitation he's up on his feet, holding a hand out for her to grab "Well let's go".

With her fingers laced in his much bigger ones they head out the front door and down the stairs.

"I didn't know you and Jeremy were so close" she lies, stepping in sync with the older boy who still hasn't let go of her hand.

He glances over at her, "He's my best friend you could say."

"I think it's good that he has someone like you Kai"

"Someone like me?" he questions no anger in his voice, more curiosity than anything.

"You just surprise me that's all. A good surprise" she clarifies, pressing closer to him.

"I'm glad. I know the shit people say about me, after awhile it becomes a little redundant i'll admit, but it doesn't define me you know? I know who I am, what I've done. As long as I can own my mistakes no else's opinions matter".

She squeezes his hand reassuringly, leaving no room between them as they continue down the sidewalk. "I never listened to what people said by the way" Bonnie says gently, "I've never been the type to judge someone based off rumors, I just wanted you too know that".

Halting their movement he stops her, with his free hand Kai presses his fingers underneath her chin, lifting Bonnie's face so her emerald orbs are on his. "You think I don't know that sweet girl? The minuet we spoke at the grocery store I knew you didn't have a bad bone in your body, that you were innocent and way too cute for your own good".

The familiar heat crawls up her cheeks, spreading to the back of her neck. Butterflies flutter underneath her skin where his hands touch her, Bonnie's heart beating so fast she's afraid he might hear it.

"Are you flirting with me?" she questions softly, so soft she's not sure if he hears it.

He chuckles at her, releasing her chin to grab her by the back of the neck, his fingers heavy as they press down almost possessively. "That depends is it working?" he questions, his tone more deep and raw as they stare at each other.

She opens her mouth too reply but no words come to mind, she feels lightheaded as his face moves closer to her own.

The sensible part of her brain is pushing him away, telling him that it's too soon, that they need to take things slow.

But the naive part is pulling him closer; yanking him impossibly close until his mouth is on her own, claiming her for the taking.

"Can I kiss you Bonnie?"

His arms cage her in, two iron walls holding her so tight she couldn't get away even if she wanted too.

He's too warm, too inviting.

Before she can respond he bends down, taking her mouth hostage. His lips are a little chapped from the wind but nevertheless soft and warm and he presses them against her own.

Putting a hand on his chest she pushes him away gently, a look of confusion crossing his face when he opens his eyes. "Did I read that wrong?" he questions, disappointment laced in his voice, eyes unreadable as he lets go of her completely.

Without his warmth she can feel the chill air wrap around her again, only this time it feels one hundred times worse than before. "I don't want to rush this" she blurts out, grabbing his arm before he can fully pull away.

His face softens just a little at her confession, his eyes no longer guarded when he looks at her. "I thought I might of messed up, I don't want too scare you away".

"You didn't don't worry. I just want us to take this slow and see where it goes"

He nods " Then we will take this as slow as you want"

Bonnie laces their fingers together once more, the awkwardness that once surrounded them disappearing into thin air.

When he drops her off at her house an hour later, he pulls her into a tight hug. Whispering a goodnight, Kai leaves a soft kiss on her forehead, waving at the small girl as he bounces down her steps.

She watches his long lean body disappear into the night, his car lights fading as he drives out of Elena's house and down the road.

She watches as the darkness swallows the neighborhood completely, a sudden loneliness creeping into her bones.

She can't help but wish that grams was here to hear about the boy who has taken her world by storm.

Too have her run those tiny delicate fingers through her hair, to hold her one more time.

But more than anything, Bonnie wishes grams was breathing the same oxygen that feels too heavy in Bonnie's lungs.

***

The months pass rather quickly.

Bonnie can only sit by and watch as fall turns into winter right before her eyes, the once cool autumn breeze now a frigid November wind.

Unlike last year she can actually see things beginning to change, she can see life blossoming in color.

For so long she thought grams death stole that from her.

Because everyday felt like an unbearable winter, everyday felt like a uphill battle she continually lost.

Elena made it better, but Bonnie was never really the same after. She was altered, changed into someone she couldn't even recognize.

Maybe it was the loneliness that stole the air from her lungs, the quiet that would sneak up on her when she least expected it.

Or maybe it was just living with a hole inside her.

A hole that was far too large that no one but Shelia could fill.

Kai changed that. At least Bonnie thinks so.

He filled that hole little by little. Gave her fresh air when she felt like choking, held her close when she became cold.

He did what none of her friends could do.

He pulled her out of the black and white world that had its claws dug deeply in her, he slowly but surely made things okay.

Maybe that's why it's so easy for her too fall into him, to easy to find his lips with her own when their alone.

Simple to just curl up in his lap as he watches television.

He makes it so easy to love him.

That's what scares her the most.

***

"This weekend Elena's letting me throw another party, drinks will be taken care of this time around" Jeremy announces, throwing himself down on Kai's couch. Bonnie looks over from where she's doing homework, the younger boy already grinning at her.

"I'm down" Kai says surprising Bonnie, his tone sounding oddly excited as he sits down next to Jeremy. The two share a small smile before turning to Bonnie, both wearing a matching grin.

"I can't" she says lamely, earning a groan from Jeremy and a frown from Kai.

"Come on Bonnie, it's gonna be fun" Jeremy whines like a child, nudging Kai with his elbow when the older doesn't say anything.

"I can't Jer, I'm sorry" she says apologetically.

Jeremy sends Kai a disappointed look, "Tell your girlfriend to come".

Bonnie glares at the younger boy, watching as Kai's face slowly becomes stiff and unreadable.

"Bonnie's free to do whatever she wants Jeremy. Plus were friends, I'm not gonna force her to come".

Friends?

Friends.

It feels as if someone punched her in her stomach.

'Were friends' rings loudly in her ears, the room to stiff to hot she feels like she might suffocate.

If Jeremy notices a shift in her attitude he doesn't comment, instead he laughs loudly hooking a arm around Kai's broad shoulders.

As the pair start up a conversation about said party Bonnie packs her books away, and as quietly as possible tries to tip toe out of the apartment.

When she reaches the door Kai's voice stops her "where are you going?" He questions, the sound of him standing up loud in the now quiet room.

She doesn't turn to face him "home it's getting pretty late" she lies, hoping the older male buys it.

"It's seven Bonster. Hang for a little longer"

She shakes her head, already sensing the frown on Kai's face.

"Nah I'm gonna go. See you guys later"

And with a swift motion she's out the door, shutting it with a bang.

Gulping in fresh air greedily, Bonnie quickly walks down his steps and onto the sidewalk.

With a burst of speed she quickly walks back towards her own home, the emptiness she hasn't felt in months slowly crawling up her spine.

When she crosses the road towards her neighborhood she glances behind her, only to find an empty sidewalk.

With a bitter laugh she shakes her head

Even friends won't make sure you get home okay. 

***

She can hear the party from her room. The music loud and obnoxious cutting into the quiet atmosphere.

It's been going on for a good three hours now, Elena's house filled to brim with people Bonnie has never seen before.

She's glanced out the window a solid twelve times in the past hour, hoping to spot a familiar face but so far he's been m.i.a.

Maybe that's best.

Because whenever he's in her line of sight Kai is the only thing she can focus on. It's fucking annoying in all honesty, but he does have a handsome face so she supposes it's fair.

The sting of his words still burn her, even hours later locked away in her room she can still hear him calling her a friend.

Not only that but when asked if she was coming he acted so nonchalant about it. As if she didn't matter to him at all.

Maybe she doesn't mean as much to him as she thought. Maybe she was the dumb naive one that cares too much, which wouldn't surprise her because her whole life has been her caring way too much and the other person caring way too little.

Maybe she's destined to be alone forever. Or a stepping stone for anyone she comes in contact with.

The thought has her chest tightening.

But at the end of the day Bonnie realizes that it's not his fault she loves him. It's not his fault that she cares about him.

Maybe he played with her head some, with the kisses and the touches but she allowed him too.

Just like she allowed him to fill the emptiness inside her, so maybe she was just as bad as he was.

With a long sigh Bonnie stretches her arms above her head, the anatomy paper from earlier finally finished stuffed in her bag, exhaustion pulling on her eyes.

Sluggishly she throws herself on top of her bed, the cold sheets welcoming as she presses her face into her pillow. A few seconds pass by, the music slowly fading from her ear range when a loud knock on her window startles her.

Peeking her head up she looks towards the noise, the aching in her legs keeps her in bed ignoring the random knock.

Almost asleep again the knock comes much louder and fiercer this time around.

"Bonnie" Kai's voice calls, catching the brunettes attention immediately. She glances over at the window her heart racing.

"Bonnie" he calls again voice louder.

Bonnie turns on her back, facing away from him, just the thought of seeing him makes her physically ill. "Bonster" he calls with his stupid deep voice, his tone begging as she hears him tapping on her window.

Minuets pass before it becomes relatively silent again, the taller boy more than likely wandered off back towards the party across the street.

She can't help but feel childish.

If she was braver she would of pulled back the curtains and asked him what he wanted. Demanded him to tell her what he could possibly want at three in the morning.

But it's the hurt part of her that keeps her tucked in bed, avoiding the handsome face she knows too well.

The same part of her that wants to run away and never look back.

***

"Bonster!" Kai yells the next day, the older boy jogging down the sidewalk towards the shorter girl.

Bonnie watches as he gets closer, his familiar scent invading her nose as he stops in front of the younger girl , sunglasses covering his eyes.

Glancing at her house only two doors down anxiety crawls up her spine, why didn't she walk faster?

"Hey" she says softly, adverting her eyes away from him.

"You didn't come last night" he states, shifting from one foot to the other no judgement in his tone.

Snapping her eyes back to him she wants to scoff "Yeah".

He frowns at her answer "Why not?"

"Didn't think I needed too" she chooses.

Kai moves the sunglasses off his face, his steel eyes now directly on her "Why would you think that" he states more than questions, a look of annoyance crossing his face.

This time she does scoff rolling her eyes at the older boy "Oh I don't know Malachai maybe because when Jeremy invited me you acted like me being there was going to be a burden, almost like you didn't even want me there at all".

"I didn't think you needed my permission", he says bitterness laced in his voice. "You can make your own decisions, just like everyone else. I don't have to hold your hand for everything do I?"

"What are you trying to say" she challenges, anger now radiating off her in waves, huge and consuming as her face becomes hot.

"Do I need to spell it out for you as well, I didn't take you for the dumb type I guess that's my bad."

Turning on her heel she starts walking away from him, tears threatening to spill over from his harsh words.

"Bon" Kai says jogging over towards her immediately , the sound of his feet rapid on the sidewalk as he closes in on her once more, this time placing a hand lightly on her shoulder halting her movement.

"I didn't mean any of that. I don't and never will think that you need me to help you. I know you are more than capable of doing anything you put your mind too Bonnie" he rambles quickly his voice soft and calming just like his hand on her shoulder.

When she meets his gaze his face falls completely, and with a quick movement she's wrapped up in his arms nose buried deep into his sweatshirt.

"I don't know why I said that Bon. Don't think for even a second I meant any of that, you are the smartest person I know. I'm so sorry" His grip tightens around her, almost as if he's afraid she'll disappear right before his eyes.

She can't speak, her throat too tight.

When she doesn't respond he grabs her by the back of her thighs, hosting her up onto his hips in one swift movement. The brunette grabs his hoodie with tight fingers, the tears she once held so bravely now openly wetting his chest.

He carries her with him, his grip firm as he sits them down on Bonnie's bench swing the older boy pressing soft kisses to her forehead.

'Sorry' falling from his lips as if it's the only word he knows.

"It's okay" She says but it's floats out of her mouth so lightly she barely registers she even says it, the itchiness in her throat becoming worse with each passing moment.

His fingers dig into her hips rough and possessive as he places kisses along her neck, his mouth warm sending goosebumps down the brunettes spine.

"Say you forgive me" he whispers, one hand slipping from her hips down to her ass giving it a soft squeeze.

"Kai" she whimpers, grabbing his hair with a free hand arching unwillingly into the older boys mouth.

"Say you forgive me" he repeats, biting down on her neck rather roughly. She jumps slightly, grabbing his hair even harder, a tight heat replacing the emptiness she once felt.

When she doesn't answer he pushes forward kissing her, taking her bottom lip hostage between his teeth.

She melts almost instantly in his hold, her own mouth moving against his own with fervor.

She pulls back, breathing air greedily through her nose before he's on her again, warm lips dominating as he kisses her. She can only follow his lead, moaning when he sucks at her tongue with such urgency she feels like she might faint.

Pulling away she can see his lips are bruised red, those grey orbs wet as he grins at her.

"I forgive you" she whispers hooking her arms around him tightly praying he never lets go.

***

The first time she notices his bruised knuckles she doesn't say a word, his dimpled smile blinding her from blue and purple decorating his hands. Instead of asking him about it she finds herself wrapped up in his overly warm hands, bottom lip tucked between her teeth as he eats her out messily, turning her brain into total mush.

The second time is a little different.

"And you decided walking alone at night was a good idea?" Jeremy questions, nudging Bonnie with his elbow, a grin on the younger's face.

"You didn't have to come" she says teasingly, rolling her eyes when Jeremy sticks his tongue out her.

"Like I would let you walk to you boyfriends apartment at midnight by yourself"

"Not my boyfriend and he wanted me to come over after I finished my homework" she says, nudging him back.

"Oh come on Bonnie not that shit again" Jeremy groans loudly, "How many times are you going to keep denying that you two are together".

"Until he actually says that we are".

"Bon you guys hang out everyday, and when I say everyday I mean everyday, I don't think you need a title" he says softly, watching her closely as they round the corner to Kai's apartment complex.

"Yeah well I need him to say it-" a loud bang interrupts her, then a loud scream following soon after.

Jumping to alert Jeremy pushes Bonnie behind him, grabbing hold her wrist as they push closer to the noise, the brunette holding his jacket with tight fingers.

Jeremy stops abruptly, making Bonnie run into the back of him.

"Stay right here" he commands, turning to face her his tone leaving no room for argument.

"But Jer-" she starts only to be interrupted by another loud scream.

This time louder and deafening the sound sending a chill down Bonnie's spine.

With one last look Jeremy rounds the corner towards the noise leaving her alone.

The silence seems to drag out forever, the only sounds coming from cars passing by and the wind rustling the trees.

Bravely she steps forward, letting out a shaky breath before peering around the fence.

She can see Jeremy talking to Kai, his hand resting on his head as he looks around frantically, his voice muffled by the wind.

Kai stands there completely still staring at something laying on the ground. A large object that Bonnie can't quite make out from where she stands.

As quiet as possible she creeps closer to the pair, heart thumping wildly behind her rib cage.

"You said you were done with that bullshit Kai what the fuck" Jeremy says frantically, pacing around the older his voice shaking.

"If you want me too feel bad your wasting breath Jer. Sick fuck had it coming"

She freezes dead in her tracks at his voice, the calming deep timbre she's so use to hearing completely gone.

"You can't keep doing this. There's not enough time to cover this up." Jeremy groans out, kicking at the object on the ground.

"Help me move her, she's going to wake up soon and she doesn't need to be here".

Jeremy sighs, "Bonnie is right behind us".

Kai snaps his head up at that, "Bonnie's here?" he questions calmly, craning his neck in her direction.

"Right around the fence. She was walking over by herself so I joined her you better be so fucking thankful I did".

Kai lets out a humorless chuckle "thanks".

She can't help but stare at the girl on the ground. The moonlight illuminating her face just enough she can see blood dripping from her eyes.

"Look I got this just go get Bonnie and take her back to her house" Jeremy instructs, voice calmer and more controlled.

Kai nods his head, patting the younger boy on the back before jogging in Bonnie's direction.

Stumbling back she quickly inches her way back around the fence, the sound of his heavy breathing getting closer. She's about to sit down when he pops in front of her, eyes wide and alert, his sweater she loves so much covered in small drops of blood, the sleeves however are absolutely ruined.

"Hey" he heaves out, placing a hand on top of his knees as he bends down sucking in air greedily.

She hates to admit it but he looks terrifying.

"Hey" she says taking a small step back, the smell of blood making her want to gag.

He watches her closely with hooded eyes, a small frown on his face. "What's up Bon?" he questions, standing to his full height, before tonight she would of melted at their height difference but now it just seems intimidating, as if he's trying to prove something.

"You wanted me to come over remember?"

"Let's go to yours instead" he insists, taking a step forward into her space. Placing a gentle hand on her arm he sweeps down to plant a soft kiss on her forehead, automatically making the younger flinch back.

His eyes scan her questioningly, the frown he once wore now a scowl as he stares at her "Is something wrong?"

She shakes her head frantically "No sorry just tired" she lies, grabbing his hand with hesitant fingers, "lets go". He lets her pull him to his car, the pair both getting in and backing out of his driveway.

"Where's Jer?" she asks, buckling her seat belt with shaky fingers.

"Oh he's gonna stay over for the night. That's why were going to your house".

She glances over at him, his lip is tucked between his teeth, eyebrows furrowed as he stares out the window almost longingly. His hands are shaking as he grips the wheel tightly, the blue and purple bruises paint his knuckles eerily.

"Okay".

When he pulls up to her house she's grateful, not once since their friendship started has she been more ready to be far away from him.

"I think i'm just gonna go to bed" she says, feigning a yawn as he steps out of the car, he closes his door roughly, coming to stand right in front of her.

"I just got here Bonster. Can we at least watch a movie?" he asks, pouting at her.

"Why is there blood all over you" she blurts out, the nerves of the evening finally catching up to her. His eyes widen almost comically, those hands she adores so much picking up the sweater carefully before he let's it drop back down.

"I was painting"

She almost laughs at that.

"Painting" she repeats watching the way his face falls at her tone.

Crossing his arms over his chest he glares at her "Painting. You know with a canvas and brushes".

A small giggle escapes her, making Kai raise his eyebrows at her "Something funny?"

She nods, "What's funny is that you don't paint, you don't even own art supplies".

Clenching his jaw he steps closer to her "Are you implying something Bon?".

Meeting his eye she doesn't back down "Only that you're a liar".

He doesn't move from in front of her, instead he presses forward backing her up until her back meets his car, the cold metal sending a shiver down her spine.

When his arm comes down beside her head she flinches, his chest eye level with her blocking her view. "Repeat that" he says dangerously, voice demanding as he stares holes through her head eyes livid.

She bites her tongue, annoyance finally overpowering the sensible part of her brain.

"Repeat it Bonnie" he bites out, moving even closer to her.

"You are a liar" she repeats bravely, maintaining eye contact with him even when he sends her a disappointed look.

"A liar huh?" he questions almost tauntingly grabbing her by the chin with a rough hand forcing her head still. "I don't like being called that sweetheart".

"Let go of me" Bonnie seethes, pushing at the older boy whose grip on her chin has become to unbearably tight.

To her surprise he does just that stepping away from her slowly, eyes never leaving her own. "I want you to leave, get the fuck out of here and go".

He frowns at her words, almost as if he's surprised by them. "I don't want to leave" he says, toying the bottom of his sweatshirt.

She scoffs "I don't really care what you want. I'm sick of these games Kai, i'm sick of you acting shady and lying too me. We might not be together but I still deserve the truth".

"I promise i'm not trying to be shady Bon. I would love to tell you everything but I can't. I can't and I won't, you are to precious to me to lose over things that don't matter".

Leaning off his car she takes a small step towards him, looking down at her feet "Lying to me is only going to make things worse. I won't be with someone I can't trust, and right now I don't trust you at all so I think it would just be better to leave things like thi-"

"I'm not losing you" he states, interrupting her. "If you think for one second that you are just going to walk away from me like that you must be fucking high".

Snapping her head up she glares at him, "I'll do what I want. You don't own me Kai, hell were not even in a relationship so what makes you think I would listen to anything you have to say?"

"I've always wanted to be with you. I made the first move awhile ago, you are the one who told me you wanted to take this slow. I respected that, I'll do whatever you want me to do Bon. Whatever you want i'll do" his tone now pleading, shoulders slumped as he pouts at her.

How can this be the same man that once held her jaw so tightly she thought it might break, the same man who beat someone until they passed out and wore their blood like it was a trophy.

"I don't know what I want anymore" she whispers, watching as his face falls completely. "I thought I wanted you. Now i'm not sure".

"So what are you done with me?" he questions pacing on the sidewalk, bottom lip tucked between his teeth, eyes everywhere but on her.

"For now Kai. I don't want to feel like this anymore, one minuet we are perfect and the next we're at each others throats. I care about you, but I won't drive myself crazy and let you walk all over me. Until you can start telling me the truth I don't want to see you".

"Bon don't do this" he begs, desperation clear in his tone. "Don't shut me out".

"Do you think I want too!" she screams startling them both, "I don't want to shut you out but your leaving me no other options. If you would quit lying to me and making me feel small we wouldn't be in this situation".

"If I tell you the truth you will never look at me the same".

Bonnie eyes him warily, the walls he's built around him slowly tumbling down with each passing second. She feels guilty but the hurt and the anger pushes her forward.

"I want the truth or you can leave".

He lets out a long sigh, "About tonight?"

She shakes her head "About everything".

***

They sit face to face in her kitchen.

His leg bounces nervously as she looks at him. She can see him looking around, dodging her eyes as much a possible.

"Why have you lived alone since you were seventeen?"

"That's what you want to ask?" he questions, confusion written on his face. "I thought we were talking about tonight".

"I said everything. Now, why have you lived alone since you were seventeen"

He frowns at her tone "My parents moved away with my sister Jo. I didn't want to leave so I stayed".

Bonnie hums "What about the rumor you set your house on fire"

"I did cause a fire. It wasn't intentional, and my parents decided that a change of scenery would help but I didn't think I needed to tag along".

"So they just left you by yourself?"

He laughs under his breath, "They didn't really care about what happened to be Bonster. I was the troubled child, they probably celebrated when I didn't join them".

His words upset her, she never had good parents either but they weren't around for her to notice their absence, they didn't stick around long enough for their actions to hurt her. "They were still your parents Kai, troubled or not they should of tried harder".

Reaching across the table he grabs her hand in his own, pressing a light kiss to the top of it, "Don't worry your pretty little head, I was happy the left me here Bon".

"Then what about tonight? Why is there blood all over you and why are you acting so shady?"

He lets out a long sigh, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand the tattoos that adorn them splatterd with dried blood. "I hurt someone tonight, someone who deserved it because she threatened something that is mine. I warned her Bonnie, I told her to leave it alone but she didn't"

"What did she threaten?" she questions softly, giving his hand a squeeze.

"You".

"Me?"

He stands up abruptly, making the table move with his forcefulness. "I warned her Bonster. I told her to lay off but she didn't so she payed the consequences".

"Well what did she say?"

He chuckles humorlessly "Asked me how I could get such a pretty girl to hang around a loser like me. Offered me cash to let her have her way with you, said she'd pay double if she could tie you up".

Her blood runs cold, disgust pooling deep in her gut "What?"

"I told her to walk away but he wouldn't. She said he would get you either way, money or not and I blacked out. Last thing I remember his how hard her teeth felt against my knuckles".

"I-" but nothing comes to mind. The only thing running through her mind is how?

"Baby" he whispers, wrapping his arms around the short girl, pulling her into his chest. "I will never let anything happen to you, I promise you that".

"You can't promise that" she whispers, placing her head in her hands.

Soft fingers lace around her wrist, pulling her hands away from her face. "She will never hurt you, let alone anyone else. As long as I'm here your safe".

She lets him pull her into her bedroom, sitting on the bed he grabs her arm pulling her down beside him, her cheek pressed against his chest. He drops them both onto her pillows, the cold silk sending a small shiver down her spine.

His legs wrap around her own, trapping her there against her. Possessively he brings her even closer, leaning down to nip at her exposed neck, leaving a red bruise in it's wake.

"You didn't kill her did you?" she whispers, nuzzling her head deeper into his chest.

"She won't be able hurt you Bon".

She can't help but feel guilty. A deep rooted nauseous feeling crawling its way up her throat, hot tears burning her eyes.

Hours later as she lies awake with Kai half on top of her she thinks about how he didn't answer her question.

How walking away from him, cutting ties and starting over would be the best option.

Just the thought alone has her wanting to bawl. 

***

"We never see you anymore" Caroline whines, pouting out her bottom lip at Bonnie who sits on Elena's couch with Kai next to her.

The pair have recently become official, Elena who once looked at him like he killed kittens in his free time has warmed up to him so incredibly much Bonnie is kind of shocked.

"We see each other at school everyday" the brunette groans, burying her head into her boyfriends shoulder, hiding a smile when he kisses the top of her head.

"At school Bonnie. School. I miss you"

Elena lets out a giggle, "Malachai has been keeping our precious Bonnie away from us" she teases.

Kai grins at her "I hope you girls don't mind to much" he says playfully, kissing Bonnie square on the nose.

Out the corner of her eye Bonnie can see Caroline frown at them, her eyes glued to Kai's arm that's wrapped around her shoulder. Bonnie doesn't comment about the purple and green that decorates the blonde's left eye. 

"This is the happiest I've seen her in years, whatever your doing please don't stop" 

"Yeah Kai, whatever your doing don't stop" Caroline says her tone snarky, eyes glued to his face as they two stare at each other.

Awkward silence fills the room, Bonnie can only sit by and watch as her best friend drills holes into her boyfriends head.

Elena bumps Bonnie with her shoulder, mouthing 'wtf' as she eyes the pair wearily.

"Anyway" Bonnie interrupts clearing her throat, "I gonna get going, I have so much shit to catch up on it's insane".

Kai looks away from the Blonde to frown at her, "Don't go" he whines hooking his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him before she has the chance to stand up.

"I have to" Bonnie says kissing the older boy on his cheek, blushing when he sits up to kiss her firmly on her mouth.

Caroline stands up abruptly, sending Kai a look before heading upstairs out of view.

Bonnie follows the movement, turning to face Elena when Caroline is out of sight "Is there something wrong? Is she doing okay?"

Elena shrugs "I couldn't tell you Bon. I think it's just weird for her to see you and Kai together. You know how she can be, she holds grudges and more than likely feels stupid that we've all become friends after all the shits shes talked".

Bonnie nods her head in agreement, "I should talk to her".

"Let her come around Bonster. You've done your part" Kai says, pecking her lips once more.

She grins at him, slotting there lips together one more time before standing up.

"Let me pee and I'll walk you home" Kai says, standing up as well.

"You don't have to babe"

"I want too" he says smiling, turning around he jogs up the stairs disappearing out of sight.

"Listen to me" Elena says suddenly, grabbing hold of Bonnie's arm. "There is something weird going on with Caroline and Kai, I can't prove it yet but I saw them the other morning in town. Together."

"What?" Bonnie questions softly, a small frown finding it's way to her face.

"I saw them together. I'll text you later when Jeremy gets here. He told me last night that Kai is staying over, If he does i'll message you and let you know. If he doesn't I think you should really think about going to his apartment just to make sure everything's okay".

Bonnie looks at the taller girl confused, her heart hammering against her rib cage relentlessly.

"Do you think.." she trails off eyeing Elena wearily.

"I don't know. I hope not Bon, but things aren't adding up-" a door slamming up stairs interrupts her, Kai's footsteps echo down the hall.

"I'll text you. Have your phone on you Bonnie."

The shorter girl nods squeezing Elena's hand in her own, a sick feeling settling in the pit of her stomach as Kai comes back into view.

"Ready?" he questions, taking Bonnie's free hand in his much larger one.

She nods, saying one more goodbye to Elena before letting Kai drag her out the door.

When the front door closes she lets out a long sigh, the chilly November air burning her nose as she breathes in deeply.

They walk across the road in silence, there mingled breathing the only sound in the frigid air. Before they reach her house Kai stops her, confused she turns to face him only to be met by a warm pair of lips.

Forcefully he pushes her back against her gate, his teeth finding their way to her bottom lip, biting down roughly before pulling the bruised skin into his mouth.

Pulling away from her he rests his forehead against her own, "I'll swing by later".

She nods her head, leaning forward on her toes to press a solid kiss against his lips. "See you later".

As he crosses back across the road Bonnie pulls out her phone, sending a quick 'he's gone' before going into her own home.

Elena responds minuets later, her text makes Bonnie sick 'Said he's leaving soon, Caroline is going with him'

She glances out the window watching as the trees move in the wind.

Hoping for once he will prove her wrong and pull through.

***

The clock reads 8:03, the red lights taunting her as Bonnie paces around her kitchen nervously. She clutches her phone tightly, the small device the only hope she has that Kai will be back.

It's been six hours since she's seen him. Six whole hours of a knot being stuck in her throat, her mind running wild with possibilities all pertaining to him and Caroline.

Because she thought Caroline hated him. From what she saw, she despised his very existence. She wouldn't even look him in eyes anytime he started up a conversation, literally talked shit about him like it was going out of style.

So why would Caroline leave with him? Kai of all people, and more importantly why would he let her?

Worry gnaws at her, her phone clattering to the ground as her hands shake.

She picks it up hastily, dialing Elena's number. On the second ring she answers, "Hey Bon-"

"I haven't heard from him" she interrupts, biting on her bottom lip as she looks out her window.

"Still?" the taller girl questions, "He left here hours ago".

Bonnie stops.

"Hours ago?"

He can hear Elena sigh, "Yeah around two. He was hanging with Jeremy for a bit, then he left and soon after that Caroline was right behind him. You got my texts right?" she questions.

"Yeah I did. I think i'm going to go by his apartment. He told me he'd be back later, and I still haven't heard from him" Bonnie says softly, the small spark of nerves now ablaze, simmering through her entire body.

"I just think the whole situation is strange. Caroline hates him, like blatantly stares at him like he kills kittens for a living. So what's changed?" Elena questions more to her self, the older girl sounding spaced off.

"I thought the exact same thing" Bonnie says, stepping outside into the cool air. "I don't get why they would be hanging out, especially without telling me".

Elena is silent for a few seconds, her breathing the only sign she is still on the phone. "Let's go" she says suddenly, after a minuet "Lets go by Caroline's and Kai's and see for ourselves".

Bonnie nods her head "Meet you outside in five"

"Meet you in five"

Then the line goes dead.

***

"Anything?" Bonnie yells from across the road, Elena who is peeking through Caroline's window gives a thumbs down, jumping of the porch railing, jogging towards the short girl.

"Nothing. His car isn't in the back yard either".

Bonnie nods, feeling a tiny bit better.

"Now his apartment" Elena says, looping her arm through Bonnie's own pulling the short brunette quickly down the sidewalk.

"Can I tell you something?" Bonnie questions, side eyeing Elena as the taller girl nods.

"I don't know if I should be with Kai" she confesses, the worry that once clung to her like a second skin, slowly melting away. She feels free, liberated being able to finally speak her mind after months of silencing herself.

"Why's that Bon?" Elena questions, slowing down her stride so Bonnie can stay caught up to her. 

"Everything feels rushed. Almost like I've been dreaming the past couple months".

"I'm sure it feels that way. I mean before you he never even looked our way, let alone came around as much as he does. Love can do things to people"

Bonnie shrugs, "I wouldn't say love E. He's amazing one minute and in the next he's making me question why were even together"

"That's what love is about Bonnie. There is always going to be fights and questioning if your doing the right thing. Its human nature to doubt when things are going great, but so far there hasn't been any red flags right?"

'If only you knew' Bonnie thinks.

"No red flags" she says instead.

"Then it's just your mind tormenting you. You gotta let go and live a little Bon, otherwise your always going to question peoples intentions and there motives when there isn't any".

Bonnie nudges Elena with her elbow, "When did you become so smart?"

Elena laughs loudly at that, "When I dumped Stephan".

Bonnie nods her head in agreement "Fair point".

When they get to Kai's apartment complex Bonnie leads them down the sidewalk towards the back, three cars litter the parking lot, none of them being Kai's.

"He's not here" Bonnie states as they stand in front of his door, all the lights in the apartment are turned off, the only source coming from his porch light.

"Huh" Elena says, walking closer to the door "That's weird".

Bonnie follows close behind her, "What?" she questions.

Elena lifts her finger to her lips, motioning for Bonnie to follow.

The brunettes step fully on his porch, and when they get closer Bonnie can see his door is cracked open, and there is a tiny light peaking through from his bedroom. "Why isn't his car here?" Elena questions, turning to face Bonnie.

The shorter girl shrugs her shoulders, gripping onto Elena's jacket as the step inside.

The first thing Bonnie notices is the whole apartment smells of bleach. Straight up bleach.

The scent burns her nose, with her free hand she covers her face, following Elena as they step around his shoes left scattered on the floor.

"Is it usually this clean?" Elena whispers questioningly.

She looks around said apartment, the carpet next to his couch is completely spotless, the cabinets cleared of any junk, his fridge wiped down completely, all of the pictures missing.

"Not this clean" she whispers back, the image of the man a few weeks ago, bloody and dying rush to the surface. It almost makes her choke.

She follows Elena closely towards his bedroom door, silence welcomes the pair as they get even closer. 'Do you think someones in there' Elena mouths, jerking hear head towards the door.

'Could they be that quiet?' Bonnie mouths back, holding her breath as the silence drags on.

With a final nod Elena pushes the door open, a loud squeak follows soon after and before Bonnie can stop her she's entering his bedroom, leaving the smaller brunette in the hallway.

After a few seconds she returns, shaking her head "Clear".

Bonnie lets out a sigh "Where could he be?" she questions, biting on her thumb nervously.

Elena pulls out her phone, typing a quick message before putting it down, "I asked Jer if he was with him, I don't know why we didn't think of that earlier".

She can only nod.

When Elena's phone dings Bonnie scrambles over too her, greedily reading the message before Elena can even see it.

"He's not with him".

Elena frowns down at her phone, "I can call Caroline"

"Y-"

Keys rattling cut her off. Heavy footsteps hike up the porch, the sound of laughter filling the quiet air. Elena pinches her arm, eyes wide as she yanks on Bonnie's arm.

"What are we going to do" Elena whispers, eyes frantically moving around the room as she looks for somewhere to hide, the door banging shut makes Bonnie flinch. Grabbing Elena's hand she tugs the taller girl into the closet.

"You need to take a shower"

Both girls freeze completely.

'Caroline' Elena mouths.

Bonnie snaps her head up towards the blondes voice.

"Only if you get in there with me" Kai's voice teases.

Her heart hammers against her rib cage, pounding so incredibly fast she wishes it would just stop altogether.

"Of course baby" Caroline purrs, there footsteps fading down the hall towards the bathroom.

Bonnie waits until the door closes before pushing her way out of his closet, Elena hot on her heels. "What the fuck" Elena says, running a hand through her long hair, bottom lip tucked between her teeth.

Bonnie feels empty.

Vacant.

"Let's go" Bonnie says, turning on her heel walking out of the bedroom. She can hear the water running down the hall, Caroline's laughter follows Bonnie all the way outside. Before she can get any further Elena stops her, pulling her over to the side.

"Please tell me your going to end things with him Bonnie. I know what I said before, but this is unacceptable".

"It's over" Bonnie says, her eyes burning.

"I'm sorry Bonnie. I don't even know what to say about Caroline.."

Bonnie shakes her head, "there's nothing to say".

Elena send her a small smile, wrapping the younger into a tight hug. "Come over tomorrow and we'll chill. Just me and you".

"Thank you for coming with me" Bonnie whispers into her friends chest, tightening her hold when she feels tears start to form.

"I'd do anything for you Bon".

The brunette grips the taller girl tighter, praying to everything holy that she won't let go.

***

9:01 am

From: baby daddy malachai

-Haven't heard from you Bonster, is everything okay? text me back.

read 10:00

10:30 am

From: baby daddy malachai

\- Bon this isn't funny please respond. I've called you ten times already i'm getting nervous. call me back .

read 10:33

2:17 pm

From: baby daddy malachai

\- Did I do something? If I did please tell me Bonnie, I hate not being able to talk to you. I miss you, please please please call me. I love you.

read 2:20

4:01 pm

From: baby daddy malachai

-I drove by your house, doesn't look like your home. If you would just call me we could talk about what's going on. Don't leave me in the dark baby. Call me.

read 4:45

7:20 pm

From: baby daddy malachai

-This is getting a bit much. Stop reading my messages if your not going to respond. I want you to talk to me. Face to face or through the phone at this point I don't care. Call me Bonnie please. At least tell me what I did, I hate this silence.

8:32 pm

From: baby daddy malachai

\- I guess i'll leave you alone for now. I don't know what I did Bon but this is seriously fucking me up. I just want to hear your voice, I don't think that's to much to ask. I'll try calling you tomorrow, I love you. Sleep well.

read 8:33

3:45 am

From: baby daddy malachai

\- I'm drunk and I miss you. I did something bad, really bad. If you see this please call me. I need your help. I need you.

read 6:01

9:34 am

From: baby daddy malachai

-it's your fault.

***

"He's blowing my phone up Elena. Texting me at random hours, saying he did something bad and it's my fault. It makes me want to expose him, call him out on his bullshit and see what he has to say then".

Elena scratches her chin thoughtfully, bags hang around her eyes like a second skin and for once she looks worse than Bonnie feels. "You look tired" Bonnie comments, watching as Elena snaps her head up at her, a small frown on her face.

"I'm fine Bon. Just haven't been sleeping well. I could say the same thingC about you" Elena teases back.

Bonnie can't deny it. Over the past three days she's only had eight hours of sleep in total. Every time she tries to fall asleep her lungs feel to heavy, as if there isn't enough air.

"I just think you should tell him it's over. Phone call, message or face to face. Because at the end of the day he hurt you, and he has the audacity to act like it never happened" Elena continues, snapping Bonnie back to reality.

"I don't want to see him E"

Elena touches her arm gently, rubbing soothing circles to calm the younger girl down. "You don't have to Bon. Do it on your terms".

Bonnie grips onto Elena's jacket with both hands, fingers tight in the silky fabric. "I wish grams was here. She would know what to say".

Elena chuckles under her breath, "Shelia always knew what to say. I think that was a gift of hers".

Grinning, Bonnie hides her face in Elena's chest "I think i'm just going to text him. It's the simpler way, I don't think I can face him".

"If that's what you want".

With a deep sigh Bonnie pulls away from Elena, grabbing her phone off the table she pulls up Kai's name, her fingers tremble as she pulls up his messages.

5:08 pm

To:baby daddy malachai

\- Everything you left at my house i'll make Jeremy bring to you. Everything you have of mine you can keep. I'm done, we're over. Please stop messaging me, your making it harder than it needs to be. Just know I care about you and I hope somewhere down the line you find happiness. Take care of yourself. 

"I sent it"

Elena walks over, taking said phone from Bonnie's hands to read the message. After a minuet Elena hands it back, wrapping an arm around her. "It's for the best"

Looking at her phone she can't help but disagree.

Because even through all the hurting and the suffering she feels now, she can't help but think that if it meant him being beside her again she would do it all over again.

Maybe that's what love is.

Pulling yourself apart over and over to never be put back together fully again.

To always having a piece of you missing. 

***

To say things changed drastically would be the biggest understatement of the century. After that night she hasn't heard once from Kai, complete radio silence on his end. She can't be mad at him, she is the one who told him to stop messaging her but just the thought of him actually being done has her heart clenching tightly.

She would be upset, resenting his very existence but all she feels is this hollow emptiness that never seems to go away. At school, at Elena's even at her own home.

Since the break up she hasn't spoke to Jeremy or Caroline.

Elena, who Bonnie loves so dearly confronted the blonde and chewed her a new asshole. Bonnie won't forget how disgusted and hurt Caroline looked, having her dirty laundry aired out for the whole school too see.

It felt good in the moment, to see someone who betrayed her feel exactly how she feels. But, as the days went by all the anger she felt disappeared into thin air, and in its place was this terrible aching.

Jeremy hasn't been around much either, the last time she saw him was three weeks ago when he was at Kai's apartment cleaning up the older boys mess. She asked Elena who told her that he was taking care of Kai, and even though he brought this upon himself she can't be mad. He deserves to have someone there for him as well.

But it's been two weeks since then, and the only person she's been in contact with is Elena, Caroline and Jeremy falling of the grid completely making the brunette worry.

But the the worst part is not seeing him,the older boy literally becoming a ghost after her text messages that night. She just wishes she had closure, something to hold onto when everything feels like it's falling apart.

But maybe that's how its suppose to be.

Maybe she's suppose to ache and yearn for the one person who hurt her the most.

And If that's true she'd rather be with grams than feel this never ending suffering.

***

The sidewalk is empty as she steps onto it.

December makes the town look magical, Christmas lights adorn the fences as she passes through the neighborhood, Elena's own house decked out in Christmas attire. She should be happy this time of year... but how can she be?

Getting out of her neighborhood she rounds the corner towards Caroline's, a sick uneasy feeling settles in her stomach as she gets closer.

Passing by Caroline's house she stops , every single light is off including the ones her parents hung outside a week prior. The house is surrounded by candles, a poster taped to the front door, with everyone's condolences on it.

For the past month Caroline has been missing, sending a town wide panic through the community. Bonnie can only pray that the blonde is somewhere safe, but just the thought of her friend not being here makes her heart ache.

The blonde disappeared right after the incident with Elena, feeling guilty the tall brunette went over to make amends only to find Caroline gone. Jeremy who was ignoring the girls showed and started helping in the search only to find absolutely nothing.

The news says she disappeared into thin air, which Bonnie can fully agree with. Because even though she left all of her belongings at her house, there was no evidence she was even there to begin with.

Nothing had been touched, no clothes none of her makeup. Her bed was left made, everything was exactly in place like she left it.

With one final glance Bonnie moves on, taking another corner before running across the empty road towards Kai's apartment.

Pushing open the gate she follow the sidewalk easily, when she gets closer she can see his car sitting in front of the building, a sign that he's actually home in there.

With a deep breath she walks past said car and onto his porch, her nerves going haywire.

She knocks lightly, taking her bottom lip between her teeth nervously. After a second or more the door opens to reveal Jeremy, his eyes widening when he see's the short girl. Without a word he comes outside blocking her view into the apartment, slamming the door closed behind him.

"What are you doing here?" he whispers, glancing over his shoulder before turning back to face her.

"I need to see him Jer" Bonnie says, fiddling with her jackets zipper. He looks at her questioningly, mouth pulled into a firm line.

"You think that's a good idea Bonnie?" he questions sarcastically.

Rolling her eyes she tries to push past him, only to have his muscled chest pressed to her face as he backs her up to her original spot. "I'm serious Bon. Let it go, he doesn't want to see you".

"I understand he gets to be upset, but don't you forget who did this. He cheated on me, not the other way around. He fucked up so stop standing here and talking to me like I did this" she says angrily.

His eyes soften, resting a warm hand on her shoulder he smiles gently "I know that Bon. I'm not trying to make you out as the bad guy here, he just needs time. I don't think it would be very beneficial for either of you too see each other right now".

She can agree. She can but right now all she wants is too see him. To talk to him, to try and understand why all this happened.

"I love you Jer, I really do. But I need to talk to him".

He stares at her for a moment, she can tell his resolve is softening, breaking into little pieces and she feels bad for pushing but it can't be helped. She lost her boyfriend and one of her best friends in less than a month, being respectable has flown out the door.

"Ten minuets Bon" he says sighing, letting go of the short girl he steps out of her way, ushering her inside with his hand.

"I'll be in the living room, yell if you need me".

She smiles at the younger boy, pulling him into a tight hug, "thank you Jer".

He hugs her back just as tight, "I'd do anything for you Bonnie".

Breathing in deeply she walks into his apartment, it looks the exact same from the last time she was here. Spotless, almost like no one lives here at all. She hears Jeremy close the door behind her, his footsteps fading into the living room.

She walks upstairs slowly, her heart pounding so loud she's afraid he will be able to hear it.

She walks past the bathroom, stopping when she's right outside of his door. With a shaky hand she knocks, praying he won't be upset or mad at her appearance.

"Come in" his voice calls sending goosebumps down her spine.

Bonnie push opens the door slightly, the room so dark it conceals him from view. She steps inside quietly, shutting the door with a click.

"I don't want food Jer" he says, his voice muffled as if he's buried underneath his covers.

"It's me" she says softly, straining her eyes to see the older boy.

She can hear him moving around in his bed, then suddenly there's a soft light flicking on and he's staring right at her. He looks surprised, his grey orbs looking at her if she's not real, almost like he's imaging her being there.

Bags hang around his eyes, the purple and blue mocking her.

"What are you doing here?" he questions, eyeing her warily.

"I needed to see you" she states, fiddling with her fingers as his gaze ranks over her. His eyes linger on his hoodie she's wearing, a small frown finding it's way on his face.

"I thought you never wanted to see me again".

She shakes her head, "I shouldn't want too. But I do".

He sits up straight, eyes never leaving Bonnie's own. "I hurt you"

She nods her head in agreement, "you did, you hurt me so much"

His face falls at her words, "I don't know how to apologize Bonnie. I keep thinking of words to say and nothing ever seems right"

She steps further into the room, twisting his hoodie between her fingers, "I just want to know why"

He lets out a sigh, "I don't have a good reason. I don't know why I did what I did. I know that sounds like bullshit Bon but I'm serious. It just happened"

She scoffs at him, "cheating on your girlfriend just happens?"

"She came onto me believe it or not. That doesn't make it okay I know that Bonnie, but she came onto me and I just- just went with it".

"She came onto you?" she questions, the words sounding foreign coming from her mouth.

He nods, "She did. I've done some fucked up things Bonnie, but hurting you will always be number one".

"Then what about your message? What did you do that morning, why did you need my help?"

"It doesn't matter now" he says, his tone harsh making Bonnie raise her eyebrows at him.

"It does matter Kai. Caroline has been missing for a month and you send me a weird fucking text with no context and expect me to just let it go?"

Clenching his jaw he stands up from his bed, walking over towards the short girl towering over her. After a month of not seeing him Bonnie would like to think their height difference wouldn't have an affect on her, how wrong could she be.

"Are you trying to say something Bon?" he questions bitterly, his face blank of expression as he corners her into his door.

"I'm asking you Kai, what happened a month ago and why did you need my help".

He stares her for a minuet, his face completely blank as reaches an arm out beside her head, trapping her against the door and his chest.

"I'm tired Bon. If this is what you came over for I'm sorry I can't help you".

Without thinking she shoves him roughly, sending him back a step, shock overriding his face as he looks at her. "I came here because I missed you. I fucking missed you so much it physically hurt and I have no one, no one Kai. Caroline is missing and you've been m.i.a for a month and now Jeremy won't even come home because he's worried about you and I just miss the way things use to be" she heaves out.

Her anger shakes her down to the core, hands unsteady as she grabs the door knob ready to bolt. When he doesn't respond she pulls the door open, getting one foot in the hallway before a hand is tugging her back inside.

He slams the door closed behind her, his free arm coming to wrap around her waist. "Lay with me" he whispers by her ear, his warmth sending delicious goosebumps down her spine. The heat she's been longing for rearing up and spreading through her like wildfire, burning everything in it's path.

"I can't" she breathes, looking up to meet his gaze. His grey orbs fully hidden by blackness, a deep arousal clawing it's way out of him as he presses fully against her.

"Lay with me" he repeats, his fingers possessive as the latch onto her chin, his middle finger sliding over her parted lips playfully before returning to her face.

She wants too. How easy would it be to fall back into him, to let him pleasure her, play with her the only way he knows how.

But it's the guilt she feels that keeps those whims at bay. The sadness she feels when she thinks about his hands on another, his lips kissing someone else's lips, that's what keeps her level headed from him mind games.

"I can't Malachai" she whispers, watching as he his eyes follow her lips.

"If you lay with me i'll tell you everything you want to know" he bribes, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear, smiling when she doesn't push his hand away.

She shakes her head frantically, "I can't" she repeats this time much louder.

He looks at her questioningly, "I'm not asking you Bonnie, i'm telling you. Lay with me and i'll tell you everything. Come on" gripping her wrist he pulls the petite girl with him, pushing her down onto the bed before crawling in next to her.

Panic starts to kick in, a cold sweat rolls down her neck as he pulls her to his chest, his nose finding its way into her hair. "I missed having you like this".

She lays frozen in his arms, the comforting warmth he use to provide is completely gone she realizes, instead all she feels is dread, laying here with him like this makes her feel useless, as if she is a puppet on his string.

Running a hand down her back he teases with his sweatshirt, pulling the materiel between his fingers. His face is mere inches away, his sun kissed skin taunting her as he stares at his neck hoping the older boy will let go soon.

"Ask away" he prompts, tangling their legs together.

She breathes deeply through her nose, his cologne suffocating as she tries to stay level headed, "Where's Caroline?" she whispers shakily.

"Behind my old house"

She completely freezes at his words.

"What did you say?" she questions, lifting her eyes from his neck to meet his steady gaze.

"She's behind my old house" he repeats easily, his face completely relaxed as if his words hold no meaning.

Bonnie opens her mouth only to close it again, tears springing to her eyes uncontrollably, his face falls at her expression.

"Don't cry sweetheart" he coos, his warm hand come to cup her face, a slender finger wiping underneath her eyes. "I can't stand it when you cry".

She flinches away from him, heart pounding thunderously behind her rib cage. He smiles at her, full teeth on display, "You wanted to know where she was at" he says almost teasingly.

"What did you do?" she chokes out.

He tilts his head, "What do you think".

She shakes her head.

"She ruined something important so I took care of her".

She shoves at him, pushing away his arms that hold her captive in his bed. When he doesn't let up, she opens her mouth to scream for Jeremy only to have a warm hand clamped down on her mouth.

"Be good" he threatens, moving his two fingers to squeeze her nose closed. She moves around frantically, his body caging her underneath him.

He presses her into the bed roughly, her eyes burn as tears slip out of them, her mind going turning into mush as he cuts off all her air flow.

It's addictive almost.

Standing on the edge of a ledge and the only thing keeping you from falling over is the one person you know that will let you fall.

Her eyes water at the thought.

Her mind becomes fuzzy, eyes closing on their own accord as darkness takes over her vision. She can feel her body humming, her life being taken ever so slightly.

A loud buzzing rings in her ears, her lungs on fire as she lets go.

Free falling into a abyss

Suddenly his hand is gone and she's gasping for air, coughing loudly as oxygen fills her lungs.

He watches her darkly, his face stoic as he runs a hand through her hair. "You'd let me kill you just like that?" He questions, anger in his tone.

She doesn't respond.

"You would give up so easily Bonnie? How disappointing" he scolds, letting go of her fully.

He gets out of bed, walking over towards her.

She scoots back frantically, pushing at his chest as he grabs hold of her hair pulling her towards him.

"Let go" she chokes, tears escaping her eyes.

He cups her face, a grin finding his lips "I knew you were like me Bonster. Gluten for punishment, hungry for destruction"

"I'm nothing like you"

He laughs loudly, head thrown back at her words. "You are".

"I will never be anything like you"

He stares at her, "But you are. You were ready to let go, you liked the idea of dying Bonnie. That's how it started for me, then I actually acted out my desires and well if my parents were alive they could tell you" he says proudly.

"Is it true?" 

"What do you think?" he questions back.

"I'm asking you".

With a small grin he looks at her " I loved my parents, but I also thought they deserved to die"

He lets go of her face forcefully, making the short brunette fly back into the bed. She can only watch as he steps into his closet, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a black hoodie. 

"Lets go" he calls, beckoning her with his finger. Throwing a bag over his shoulder he grabs his phone, hands shaking as he walks over to her.

"Go where?" she questions, her voice wobbly, tears threatening to spill over. Without answering he rushes at her, reaching for her arms. Kicking at him, she tries scrambling away from his hands as they advance on her. Finding purchase on her leg he yanks her completely off the bed, the petite brunette falling ungracefully onto the the hardwood floor. 

A sharp pain blooms in her left knee, she stares at him dumbfounded, real fear unfurling in her chest. 

"Don't make me repeat myself Bon" he says coldly, grabbing her arm roughly yanking her up off the floor. He shoves his hand in hers, pulling her towards the door.

"What happened to the man who couldn't get out of bed" she mocks, trying to escape his grasp.

He laughs loudly at that, his grip only tightening. "I missed you of course, but I also knew you would break and come see me Bonnie. I know how lonely you really are".

Opening the door he gives her a stern look, "If Jeremy asks, me and you are going for a walk, nothing else. Don't piss me off" and with that he pulls her into the hall, his door slamming behind the pair.

He takes the stairs quickly, reaching the living room Jeremy isn't in sight. Dread creeps into her bones as she's yanked into the freezing wind outside. She follows him to his car, he opens her door pushing her inside, jogging to the drivers side he jumps in, starting it and then pulling out of his complex. 

"Where are we going?" she questions, turning to face the older boy.

"Elena's" 

Her eyes widen "Elena's?" 

He nods, turning onto Bonnie's road with ease. 

The drive is short, his eyes trained intently on the road. She can hope he's going there to drop her off, but deep inside she knows that's not going to be the case. 

He parks by the mailbox, reaching into the back seat to grab the bag he tossed back there, turning away from her he pushes something into his hoodie pocket. "I'll be right back" he says, grabbing the keys from the ignition.

"Kai-" 

"Don't get out of the car. Don't try to run i'll find you and you really wont like the outcome" he says interrupting her.

He places a quick kiss on her nose, then just as fast he's out the car running towards Elena's front door.

She pulls out her phone quickly, dialing the taller girls number. 

It rings twice before she answers, "Hel-"

"Listen to me" Bonnie interrupts, "Kai is at your house Elena, he killed Caroline. He told me he killed Caroline, please get out of there". 

She can hear Elena take in a deep breath, "Bonnie what?" she questions.

"Elena get out of there please." Kai knocks loudly on the door, his hands tucked deeply into his hoodie as he paces around.

"Let me get Jeremy and we will go out the back door" Elena says, the sound of footsteps running down the hallway resonates through the phone. The door opens, Jeremy grinning as he spots Kai, pulling the older boy in a hug.

"He opened the door, Elena run he won't hurt Jeremy" Bonnie says frantically.

Just as the words leave her mouth a gunshot rings into the quiet air, she whips her towards the noise, only to see Jeremy on the ground, blooding dripping down his forehead.

"O-oh my god!" she screams, throwing open her door she runs towards the house, phone still clutched tightly in her hand. 

Kai is rolling his body over when she arrives, his face stoic as he grabs Jeremy's wallet and phone. 

"What did you do?" she chokes out, reaching for Jeremy. Kai pushes her backwards, eyes wild when he turns to face her, "What did you do Kai!" she screams, voice cracking as tears well up in her eyes.

"Get back in the car" 

She shakes her head, reaching for the younger boy only to be pulled upright by Kai, and pushed into Elena's door roughly. "Get. Back. In. The. Car" 

"Bonnie" she hears Elena yell, the sound coming from her backyard. Bonnie opens her mouth to yell for her, but the older boy points the gun at her head. "One word and your gone".

The sound of a gate clicking catches Kai's attention, then Elena is running past the pair, not even noticing them. 

Kai turns quickly, aiming the gun at Elena's head before firing, then just like her brother the brunette falls to the ground. Bonnie lets out a startled scream, the sound ripping it's way out of the brunettes throat. 

Time stands still. She's frozen, the world blurring together as she looks at her friend. Dots swim in her vision, the cold air suddenly burning hot scorching her to the core. 

"Come" Kai says, pulling on her arm but his voice sounds miles away. "Bonnie come on" she hears, the words ringing in her ears. 

Her eyes suddenly become to heavy to keep open. 

The last thing she see's is the cold hard ground, and Elena's lifeless body.

***

The thing about depression is it sneaks up on you during your worst times. 

If finds you when you can't defend yourself, it bullies it's way into your mind and rests there.

It's the doubt and the loneliness that makes you wonder if it will ever go away, if one day you will wake up and no longer feel as if you have a knife lodged inside you. If one day you can smile and actually mean it.

Bonnie doesn't know if happiness will ever be an option again. 

How is it possible to still live with a gaping hole inside you, one that has only grown in size and consumed everything in it's path; how can you still be alive when breathing feels like needles sticking into your skin over and over.

It's been seven months since that day yet anytime she closes her eyes she can still see Elena's body laying there motionless, she can still smell the blood like it happened yesterday. There are times when she's alone without Kai's supervision that she imagines she's somewhere else, somewhere safe. 

She imagines she's laying in Elena's backyard with Caroline tucked into her side, the three girls watching the clouds pass by, gossip on the tip of their tongues. 

She imagines Jeremy playing football with his father, Elena's mother laying out by the pool a book tucked underneath her arm and she watches her kids fondly. 

Just thinking about them brings tears to her eyes.

Looking out the window Bonnie watches as people pass by, as the waves rush to the sand only to be pulled back to the ocean once more.

It's been seven months since she lost everything.

Everyone she cared about, everyone who meant something too her.

After that night she packed up everything she once knew and followed the older boy. With a gun pointed to her back he forced her into his car, and drove them across state to California. 

She covers her face at the memory, sobs threatening to rock her body. 

She can feel him stir next to her, his warm hands wrapped tightly around her waist as the lies awake. 

The window is open, letting the warm summer air into the apartment. She can't help but think about those winter nights months ago where things seemed to be okay, when things were normal.

She misses her grams house, the local grocery store, Elena's home and Caroline's backyard. 

To this day Caroline is still a missing person; the family never getting the closure they deserve. Jeremy and Elena were ruled homicides, the talk of the town being a robbery gone wrong. 

Kai, who killed the main three people in her world got of scotch free. Nothing to hold him down, nothing to arrest him or even have him ruled as a suspect. 

She thinks about that winter night when everything turned upside down, how the woman on the ground bleeding turned out to be Caroline after all. Kai admitted to her two months ago they were seeing each other, Caroline had a plan against the brunette but before she could act on it he stopped her.

Looking at him now, she knows she can't trust or believe anything that comes out of his mouth. He's proven his words mean absolutely nothing. 

But she can't help but feel safe in his presence, because if it wasn't for him she would be truly alone. Its sick she knows, to long for someone that took everything away from you; but he's the only thing she has left.

The only person she has left to rely on. 

Maybe they deserve each other. Maybe are just alike; beaten and torn only to find one another in a time of need, only to be torn apart even more. 

She shakes her head. 

Turning over to face him, she watches as his eyelids flutter while he sleeps. How innocent and handsome he really is when he isn't awake. How beautiful he is when he's not controlling and harming others.

How beautiful he would look with a bullet lodged between his eyes.

Just the thought alone brings a small smile to her face.

***

His gun glistens in the sunlight; 

The handgun taunting her as it lays on the kitchen table, begging her to caress it. 

She wants to feel it's weight in her palm. 

He left it on accident, the older boy in a rush barely kissing her cheek before he was flying out the door. 

She knows this is her only shot. Her only chance to finally get away from all this mess and destruction. 

How easy it would be to just take all the pain away for good.

She's up on her feet walking towards it before she can stop herself, her heart hammering loudly in her rib cage as she picks it up. 

It's heavy and firm, everything like she imagined it would be. 

Looking out the window she stares into the city below her, cars and people pass by in jagged blurs. She wonders if anyone will care when they find her, if they will even question why she did what she did.

Closing the window she walks to the couch, sitting down comfortably. 

Shutting her eyes she pictures Elena and Jeremy, Caroline and grams all waiting for her. Elena smiling as bright as the sun; reaching towards Jeremy with gentle fingers pulling the younger boy into a tight hug.

She can see Caroline on her phone, gossiping the day away as she lays in the grass behind Elena's old home. Her blonde hair vibrant in the golden sun, her blue eyes mesmerizing as they meet Bonnie's own.

Then there's grams; who still smells and feels like home. Her dainty fingers reach to brush the tears off Bonnie's face, her arms pulling the younger Bennett into her chest, lilac and vanilla invading her nose almost immediately. 

After two years; Bonnie can feel the hole inside her start to close. Inch by inch stitching itself back together again. The pain, now just a feeling of euphoria, a butterfly sensation traveling all the way down her body. 

This is what home feels like. This is what loving someone and being loved back feels like. 

Pulling away from grams she can see the adoration in her eyes, the true undeniable love that bubbles out of her like a second skin. 

With shaky fingers she puts the gun to her temple; the cool metal making Bonnie jump in surprise.

'Let go baby' she can hear grams whisper; her voice like honey coating Bonnie's ears.

She can see the finish line in the distance; everyone she cares about at then end, smiles on their faces.

With firm fingers she feels the trigger, placing her finger securely over it. 

As her finger moves, her body falls to the floor ungracefully. 

Bonnie Bennett is no more.

***

And when the night comes, and i'm all alone I'll think about you. 

I will think about the good times and bad times;

All the kisses and laughs we shared will haunt me forever I know.

They will always stay in my mind, until one day I am no longer here as well.

If they ask me about you I will say how brave you were, how loyal you were.

How you cared for everyone and everything you came into contact with. 

But more than anything I will tell them how beautiful and smart you were, how everyday seemed like an unbearable winter until you came along. How sad you were but somehow you made flowers blossom right under your fingertips. 

I will tell everyone that you put the moon and the sun in the sky; 

That you made me a better person.

I will always miss you, don't forget me 

-Kai.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm super proud of this story it's my longest one yet. I love you guys !!!


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